[Rant blog] My mind is pretty good at being fixated on something. It’s frustrating when I want to focus and I can’t. So I must have selective ADD or something.

Working at my mom’s dental office has become a full time commitment. This in turn has taken time away from my original goal of finding a job. So I’ve been spending my nights after judo spending time with the GF, eating and not doing what I need to do: find jobs and finish personal statement. Even now, at the writing I’m still not working on it. I’ll write up a draft on paper and see where it leads me. I seriously should just buy that keyboard for my Nexus 7 so I can feel more inclined to type on it besides my usual web browsing. Working at the office has definitely got my back on my feet in terms of remembering how it feels to work, but that underlying feeling that I know I can make more money than minimum wage has really plagued me. I want more to my time. I know my value and my worth. I deserve better.

This whole gun ban thing has been taking a toll in my overall happiness. My hobbies are under attack and I can’t help but watch the media circus make a mockery of what I appreciate and enjoy. I wonder how they would feel if they took away their pens and cameras. Because they like to toy with emotions of the public and push their agenda. People don’t realize how much they are influenced by their emotions instead of thinking with their head. I hope this all blows over, because I cannot financially hold out much longer. I might have to resort back to underwater basket weaving…

I can’t help but wonder what goes through people’s heads sometimes. I guess my stress levels have transitioned into my habitual road rage and behind the wheel cursing. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking cutting people off then slowing down anyway or going into the fast lane just to go the speed limit. I just don’t understand it. I need to learn to relax… *breathe* *breathe*

I enjoy going to Judo. I wish I can go to the VJC on time instead of coming in a least a half an hour late. But when I go, I always make the most of my work out. So far, I can see that my technique is very good. It’s getting down the moves as reaction is the issue. I need to keep practicing and work on my strength. It feels good to be back on the mat. I really miss going to Hapkido though… I need to start sleeping early so I can go running in the morning. I should set a goal to run 10-15 miles a week. If I were to manage it right, 2-3 miles a day for 5 days. 100 push ups and sit ups every night. Judo competition this Sunday! First one in almost a year. It’s in Santa Clara.

The hunt for graduate schools continue. I keep visiting East Bay every week getting stuff done. At least I know I have two fall backs at this point just in case UoP doesn’t work. This weekend, I need to finish my personal statement. It’s what I have left. And then I can study for the GREs and finish my application for UoP. My goal is to get into the TAship. I want to become that dentist I know I can be. Dentistry is in my heart. I can feel it. I want to give it a shot. Philippines is not an option for me.

I guess I’ll never understand what it’s like to end things on a good note with someone a person dated. If there’s one thing I do understand; it’s when someone isn’t over you. And I have came to the conclusion about my last one. So far, I’m just glad that I was able to find a copy of an old transcript request so I can order my old UCM one. It’s hard to think that one year went by so quick. I went almost an entire year without hearing from her. I chose not to anyway, and the fact of the matter is I was angry at her. It’s been over a year since I broke up with her, and I’m glad I did. She has taught me a lot about myself and I don’t regret it. I guess I shouldn’t regret my decisions about her. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t know what I want now.

I know through all of my past relationships, they all ended pretty badly. To say the least, I didn’t really have a lot of opportunities to date girls. And as I got older, I figured out why. At the same time, I never really put myself out there as someone who looks attractive or when I do meet someone, my personality seemed a little too quirky or I become “too much.” But it’s ok, it’s these decision that really decide our path on whether or not two people are compatible.

I know I can’t be mad about exes, but I feel like I have merits in my points when I say I don’t feel respected. I felt angry and disrespected when he calls her or she’ll put me on hold just to talk to him. If he’s just whatever, why do I have to be put on hold just so she can talk to him? I should be the one that’s important. Not him; he’s old news. Damn straight I’m selfish like that. It all comes with territory. Something instinctual that guys feel. Sometimes I think she doesn’t get it. I just found it strange that my little joke with her forced him away from her. I kind of interpret it as him not being over her. Honestly, I feel like I was right the whole time. I just don’t feel like it was fair that they insist to keep talking to each other up until the point when he gets a girlfriend. It’s all honky dory until she rolls around and tells him the same thing I feel. It’s like my feelings don’t matter; I felt so disrespected and angry about the situation. Her ex really leaves a sour taste in my mouth. But in reality, I just want that whole thing to stop. I hate thinking about it. It always begs the question, “am I being insecure?” I don’t think so, I am saying how I feel. Those feelings still linger in my head… and I need to learn to get past them. That’s what forgiveness is all about. As long as she’s makes me feel like I can trust her. That’s all I can really ask for.

Side note: I think I qualify for a CMP Rifle. If that’s true, I might order an M1 Garand.

Ugh, why do I feel so dizzy right now…? I should probably just go to sleep. I spent too much time thinking about all of this.

God damn, why am I so madly in love with this girl?! >:3 @.@